Difference between revisions of "Transcript:That Darn Katz!"
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:'''Thubanian leader:''' Indubitably. Although we call it Blue Blue Shiny Ball. ''[Flashback to [[Egypt, 3,500 B.C. A saucer lands and cats get out, meowing. The Egyptians look surprised.]'' In the area now known as Egypt, my people constructed a giant, semi-octahedral antenna to beam Earth's rotational energy back to Thuban. ''[Egyptians are seen building a pyramid.]'' | :'''Thubanian leader:''' Indubitably. Although we call it Blue Blue Shiny Ball. ''[Flashback to [[Egypt, 3,500 B.C. A saucer lands and cats get out, meowing. The Egyptians look surprised.]'' In the area now known as Egypt, my people constructed a giant, semi-octahedral antenna to beam Earth's rotational energy back to Thuban. ''[Egyptians are seen building a pyramid.]'' | ||
:'''Amy''': {{w|The Great Pyramid at Giza}}! | :'''Amy''': {{w|The Great Pyramid at Giza}}! | ||
:'''Thubanian leader:''' Yes. The Egyptians viewed us as gods, but ironically that was our downfall. ''[The cats are surrounded by golden statues and are being fed by the Egyptians.]'' | :'''Thubanian leader:''' Yes. The Egyptians viewed us as gods, but ironically that was our downfall. ''[The cats are surrounded by golden statues and are being fed by the Egyptians.]'' They pampered us with {{w|Fancy Feast|feasts most fancy}} and {{w|Tender Vittles|vittles most tender}}. We grew fat and domesticated. ''[A fat cat is napping on someone's lap. The cat meows a "Duh"]'' Thousands of years passed, and our home world was nearing total destruction. ''[From space, cats can be heard meowing on Thuban. A man the next planet over yells at them to shut up.]'' But the technology to save our planet was lost. Lost, that is, until I heard you speak at "Mars University". | ||
Amy: So you called my thesis a fat sack of barf, and then you stole it? | Amy: So you called my thesis a fat sack of barf, and then you stole it? | ||
Thubanian leader: Welcome to Academia. | Thubanian leader: Welcome to Academia. |
Revision as of 04:02, 10 March 2011
← Previous | Navigation in production order | Next → |
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Transcript for | |
That Darn Katz! | |
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Written by | Josh Weinstein |
Transcribed by | Teyrn of Highever BENDseventy |
- Announcer: [voice-over] Cash, cash, cash for your bones! To many bones? Not enough cash? Call Cash Bone! Ribs, skulls, spines, even certain tiny ear bones. The leg bone's connected to the Cash Bone!
- [Opening Credits: Or similar product.]
- [Scene: Planet Express, Lounge. Nibbler is burying Dark Matter in his litter box.]
- Leela: Aw! Nibbler made a bobo for Mamma. I'll pick it up with my super-dupey poopy scoopy. [Nibbler grumbles. A truck can be heard backing up and Leela enters the room, driving a fork-lift.]
- [Pan to: Planet Express, Sub Basement.]
- Amy: Core magnetic field, 31 microteslas.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Nice.
- Amy: Temperature? Woah! The magma P.I. is 10,000 degrees Selleck! [Leela is emptying Nibbler's litter box in the magma. Amy swears in Cantonese.] Leela, I am collecting data. Can't you dump that somewhere else.
- Leela: Not really. It's highly volatile Dark Matter, and some corn.
- Amy: But I'm presenting my thesis tomorrow and I've barely had time to prepare.
- Farnsworth: Nonsense. You've been my grad student for twelve years. You were ready six years ago.
- Amy: What?
- Farnsworth: I probably should have told you. Anyway, the important thing is to be relaxed tomorrow.
- Amy: Are you sure?
- Farnsworth: Yes. Do what you young people do to unwind. Take a joyride in your jalopy. Wear a T-shirt and eat a fish stick. Go!
- [Scene: The Hip Joint. Fry, Leela, Bender, Nibbler, Amy and Kif are sitting at a table.]
- Kif: Okay, amigos, one teensy drink to help Amy relax. [They drink.]
- Amy: Hmmm. I guess I'm still kinda nervous.
- Leela: One more teensy drink to help Amy relax. [They press buttons on their glasses and they refill by themselves. They drink again.]
- Fry: Still a little nervous? [Amy burps.]
- Bender: She's a nervous wreck! [They refill and drink again.]
- [Time Lapse: Bender, Fry, Kif and Amy are all dancing. They are clearly drunk. Kif is still drinking.
- Leela: [At the table with Nibbler.] Well, I may not have a man, but at least I've got you, poopsie-doodle. [She pinches his cheek.]
- Nibbler: [He drinks.] Leela, it's time you and I had a talk.
- Leela: A talk? You can't break up with me. You're my pet!
- Nibbler: As much as I enjoy being the object of your misplaced affections, I am also a highly sophisticated being that longs for intelligent conversation.
- Leela: Aw, is shnookums not feeling schtimuwated?
- Nibbler: An understatement, to say the least. It's time you treated me with respect.
- Leela: If you want to be treated like a fellow crew member, fine, but no more purse rides, and no more dressing ypu up in your cute little sailor suit.
- Nibbler: I keep telling you, that's my real naval uniform.
- [Time Lapse: Kif and Amy are still dancing. They kiss.]
- Kif: Your place or mine? Both, but first, this place. [She drags him to the floor. Kif laughing nervously the entire time.]
- Hedonism Bot: [Seeing the two of them.] Ooh! Room for one more? [He laughs saucily.]
- [Scene: Amy's apartment. Her Alarm Clock goes off. It reads 8:50.]
- Amy: I thought I set you for 7:15!
- Alarm Clock: Sorry, I hooked up with Bender last night. Dude was all over my snooze button.
- Amy: But my doctoral exam is in ten minutes! On Mars! [She runs out of bed but steps in something.] Eww! Kif, did you yack on the floor?
- Kif: [He is the puddle Amy walked in.] Yes, I did.
- [Scene: Mars University. A Giant Pulsating Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste. A man is stroking a white cat.]
- Morris Katz: Where's your candidate, Farnsworth. I have a long list of students to humiliate today. [A door opens and Kif, Leela, Bender, Fry and Amy walk in.] You're late, Miss Wong.
- Amy: Oh, God, this is like one of those nightmares. [She is in only her bra and underpants. She screams.]
- Farnsworth: Here, take my lab coat. [He offers it to her. He only has suspenders and his underpants underneath it.]
- Katz: Allow me to introduce your examining committee in order of grumpiness. Professor Ogden Wernstrom.
- Farsnworth: Wernstrom!
- Katz: Downtown Professor of Applied Physics, Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate.
- Tate: I see by your curriculum vitæ that you're a Sagittarius.
- Katz: And Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell.
- Shpeekenshpell: The cow says... [He makes a "moo" sound.]
- Farnsworth: [Whispering to Bubblegum.] He proved that 50 years ago, and he's been coasting on it ever since.
- Katz: I am the esteemed Professor Morris Katz, and you are wasting my time. Proceed.
- Amy: Imagine, if you will...
- Katz: Oh, God!
- Amy: A gigantic spherical generator, one that could provide unlimited energy, because it's in essential Perpetual Motion.
- Wermstrom: [He and Katz scoff, loudly] Young lady, have you been drinking?
- Amy: Well, yes, but that's not revelant. I'm talking about Earth. Earth's the generator. [Shpeekenshpell lands on a sheep and makes a bleating noise.] Suppose this basketball is the whole world.
- Tate: [He is spinning a basketball on his finger.] To many young men in the inner city, it is.
- Amy: As it spins, it's producing an enormous magnetic field. If we could use that field to generate electrical current, we could actually harness the Earth's rotational ener... Ener... '[She sneezes.]
- Farnsworth: Yes, the Earth's rotational ener-kerchoo. Go on.
- Amy: Sorry, I'm super-allergic to cats. Professor Katz, do you mind.
- Katz: Miss Wong, I mind everything.
- Amy: [Holding a model.] You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge, [The cat starts toying with the model.] by ratcheting Superconducting wire down into... [She sneezes.]
- Katz: Enough. The committee members will now vote now vote yea or nay. Nay.
- Wernstrom: Nay.
- Tate: Hell nay.
- Shpeekenshpell: [He spins to a Horse.] The horse says, doctorate denied.
- [Scene: Planet Express. Waterfront. The ship flies in for a landing.]
- [Everyone gets off the ship. Amy is still in the Professor's coat.]
- Fry: It's okay, Amy. I don't have a fancy degree either, but today I'm a prominent boy in the package delivery field. [After they leave the hanger, Katz's cat leaves the ship.]
- [Scene: Planet Express. Meeting Room. The entire crew, plus Nibbler, are seated at the table.]
- Nibbler: Now that I am a full and equal member of the crew, I pledge my loyalty, my perspicacity, and, dare I say it, my friendship.
- Hermes: Leela, muzzle that skunk! We can't stop a meeting for some cute, fuzzy, little... [He notices Katz's cat.]] Hey, look, a kitty cat.
- Amy: [The cat rubs against Amy. Static discharges.] You again? [She sneezes.] Get away you mangy ball of Histamines.
- Hermes: [He picks the cat up.] You leave kitty cat alone! [The crew, except for Amy and Nibbler gather around, cooing at the cat.]
- Farnsworth: People, please, I'm trying to run a business, so I get to hold kitty. [The crew keeps cooing.]
- Fry: Over here. I wanna hold him.
- Bender: Aw! It's anus looks like an asterisk.
- [Scene: Planet Express. Lounge. Everyone except Amy and Nibbler is still playing with the cat. It is in Nibber's naval uniform.
- Leela: Captain Fuzzytoes reporting for duty. I mean, cutie. [They laugh.]
- Nibbler: [Smoking a pipe.] My best friend died in that uniform. I hate that cat!
- Amy: If I had a spray bottle, I'd give him such a spritzing.
- Nibbler: I'll tell you one thing. Nothing acts that cute without some ulterior motive. [He gets up and does a small dance, cooing in discomfort.]
- Amy: Aw! You want your diapey changed? [He coos an affirmative.]
- Nibbler: [Laying down.] We'll have to wait its every move. [Amy puts on a fresh diaper.] Powder, please.
- [A montage plays where Amy and Nibbler watch the cat. They use jet packs to watch it on the 2nd floor window. They lay a trap, putting milk in a cage for it, which Zoidberg quickly moves into. They watch Leela walking the cat in a stroller as the montage ends.]
- Amy: Here's my new theory. That is one adorable cat.
- Nibbler: I guess I was just jealous. I do miss being Leela's schnookums. I'm going to apologize and hope for a pity pet. [They look over and gasp.]
- Leela: [She is kneeling before the cat.] Yes, my lord. Amy and Nibbler are a tewwible thweat. They must be spayed and neutered, wespectivewy. [Nibbler crouches and hisses like a cat.]
- [Scene: Planet Express. Nighttime.]
- [The cat meows the Meow Mix jingle. A cat shaped flying saucer descends and echos the jingle in a deep tone. The windows shatter.]
- Amy: [She runs into the meeting room, carrying Nibbler.] The cat is evil! We have proof!
- Nibbler: It was summoning a saucer!
- Farnsworth: Of course it was wanted a saucer you idiot. A saucer of dewicious cweam. [He has a gray cat in his lap.]
- Nibbler: You fool, this isn't about the cream.
- Bender: It's pwonounced "cweam". [He also has a cat, in his chest cabinet.]
- Zoidberg: I'm petting mine to the bone. [He strokes a cat, causing hair to be chopped off.]
- Fry: Just stwoke its fwffy fur.
- Hermes: Scwatch its fwubby chin.
- Bender: Fweeble its fwooby pwow.
- [They all have cats. They hold them out chanting, "Pet it!".
- Amy: No, no! [She sneezes and flees with Nibbler.]
- [Scene: Planet Express. Morning. A cat shaped saucer lands in the hanger. The hypnotized crew are unloading boxes, chemicals and a massive ball of yarn.]
- Nibbler: What do cats need with that much yarn and cobalt?
- Amy: They're doing something downstairs. We've got to find out what. [She follows her coworkers.]
- Bender: Where do you think you're going, no-cat?
- Amy: Uh, the basement. I think I left the air hockey table on.
- Bender: Without a cat, you ain't going nowhere. [He points to a sign that says "All employeez must haz catz to enter".]
- Nibbler: Can you at least tell us what's going on down there?
- Farnsworth: We're certainly not building something sinister, if that's what your implying. Now, come on, Bender. Something sinister won't build itself. [They walk into the elevator.]
- [Scene: NNY.]
- Amy: Professor Katz's last name is Katz. Do you think he has something to do with these cats?
- Nibbler: The conclusion is an inescapable as it is moronic. [He wheels out his spaceship.] I say we pay him a visit, and if he won't talk to us, he'll talk to Smith & Wesson, [He pulls out a hand gun.] or, perhaps, [[Consolidated Head Melter. [He takes out a huge blaster. He and Amy get into the ship and it takes off.]
- [Scene: Mars University. Physics Dept. The department is two buildings on a lever and fulcrum. Nibbler's ship lands outside the main building of the Physics Department. The weight change causes the Annex to rise into the air.]
- [Scene: Mars University. Outside Katz's office. The door reads Prof. Morris Katz. A taped on piece of paper reads, "Please Leave Before Entering".]
- Amy: [She knocks on the door then kicks it in.] Professor Katz, we want answers! [Katz just sits in his chair, with his back to them.]
- Nibbler: I warn you, if I have to get cute, it's gonna get ugly. [Katz still doesn't respond. Amy turns the chair.]
- Amy: He's dead!
- Nibbler: Wait. What are these strings on his lap? [He pulls them and Katz reacts.] What the... He isn't dead. He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat!
- Amy: So I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? [She shoots a picture of the cat.] Bad kitty!
- [Scene: NNY. Nibbler's ship lands.]
- [Scene: Planet Express. Hanger. Amy and Nibbler sneak to the basement door. It reads "watch for slinkys. She opens in and they run downstairs.]
- Amy: They actually built the planetary ratchet from my thesis! [The remaining crew are operating the ratchet, supervised by cats. Amy sneezes.] Uh-oh.
- Nibbler: What the... [Leela is standing in front of them. She kicks the weapons out of their hands.]
- Thubanian Leader: Well, look what the me dragged in.
- Nibbler: You can talk!
- Thubanian Leader: You can talk?
- Nibbler: How ironic. Two hyper-intelligent beings both pretending to be simple house pets!
- Thubanian leader: Say, do you know Obliteron? He pretends to be a hamster, but when...
- Amy: Yeah, that really great. Could you please tell us what's going on?
- Thubanian leader: What? Oh, right! You see, my associates and I are from the ninth planet of the star you call Thuban. Long ago, life there was ideal. [Flashback [A cat is leaping from scratching posts.] Our sun provide plenty of warm, dozy light. The chicken-salmon roamed free. [Cats pounce on the animals.] Yet disaster loomed. Our planet's rotation was gradually slowing. [Cats are sleeping at night and at day.] At first, it seemed beneficial. Long, dark nights for sleeping, long, sunny days for sleeping. But them it grew too hot and too cold. [Cats are meowing in pain, surrounded by fires. Then they are freezing under piles of snow.] Our top scientists went to work, [Cats are looking through a telescope.] At last, they located a planet with the necessary orientation and magnetic orientation to harness the rotational energy. [The telescope focuses on Earth. End Flashback.]
- Nibbler: Earth!
- Thubanian leader: Indubitably. Although we call it Blue Blue Shiny Ball. [Flashback to [[Egypt, 3,500 B.C. A saucer lands and cats get out, meowing. The Egyptians look surprised.] In the area now known as Egypt, my people constructed a giant, semi-octahedral antenna to beam Earth's rotational energy back to Thuban. [Egyptians are seen building a pyramid.]
- Amy: The Great Pyramid at Giza!
- Thubanian leader: Yes. The Egyptians viewed us as gods, but ironically that was our downfall. [The cats are surrounded by golden statues and are being fed by the Egyptians.] They pampered us with feasts most fancy and vittles most tender. We grew fat and domesticated. [A fat cat is napping on someone's lap. The cat meows a "Duh"] Thousands of years passed, and our home world was nearing total destruction. [From space, cats can be heard meowing on Thuban. A man the next planet over yells at them to shut up.] But the technology to save our planet was lost. Lost, that is, until I heard you speak at "Mars University".
Amy: So you called my thesis a fat sack of barf, and then you stole it? Thubanian leader: Welcome to Academia.